If you’ve been involved in an abusive relationship with a person who has a Cluster B personality disorder, you have probably come to dread the holiday season.
In my former relationship, every special occasion was prefaced with a multi-day rage episode over whatever infractions my ex could dig up. I got in the shower first. I had too much cash in my wallet. I wanted to go for a walk (together!) instead of going immediately to her house. I had done X instead of Y, even though I had previously been maligned for doing Y instead of X. You know how it goes. You’ve been there.
But, now that you’re presumably out of the relationship, the holidays and special occasions in general should be fun, right? After all, she’s out of your life. You can do X, Y, and Z and not have to worry about it.
So why do you feel wary and how can you make that feeling go away?
If you’re out of the relationship and you’re dreading the holidays (and by “dread,” I mean full blown panic attacks and the like), it may be a result of PTSD; Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD isn’t just for combat veterans, anymore. There is a growing pile of evidence that it can affect people who live in high-stress environments for extended periods of time. Sound familiar?
My own experience with PTSD has been varied. The intensity has lessened with time, and if you suffer from it as well, I would offer you that as a ray of hope.
Part of what comes into play is the amygdala, in the brain. The amygdala is activated when we are in danger, and records everything, to prepare us for the next time a dangerous situation arises. Sometimes it records too much. For example, several years ago, I was in a car accident. I can still visualize the breakfast burrito flying through the air from the passenger seat to the dashboard upon impact. It’s a useless, silly detail, but it’s there. The amygdala does this on the off-chance that that one random detail is what caused the event, and allows us to remember it so we can avoid it in the future.
Now, instead of breakfast burritos, think about your relationship with your ex. Non-stop fun, wasn’t it? All of this was recorded by your brain. And every reminder serves as a trigger to tell you to be on your guard. This occurs even when it has outlived its usefulness.
This, of course, brings us to the holidays, your wariness, and its root in having to endure your ex ruining yet another special occasion. And as Dr. T has pointed out, they love to ruin special occasions.
This year, you may no longer be with your abusive partner. So how do you let it all go, relax, and not spend your entire holidays waiting for a shoe to drop?
This is my third Christmas/New Years without her. Each year has gotten a little easier. Here’s what works for me:
- Spend time with loved ones – be they friends, family, whoever. That said, make it very clear that you may need some “me-time” and need to take some time away from the festivities periodically.
- Take the “me-time” that I mentioned above. Families and loved ones can be exhausting. Pay attention and listen to what you need. If things become overwhelming, take a time-out. Retreat. Go hide in the bathroom. Go back to the hotel or the guest room. Recharge your batteries, and rejoin the group when you’re ready to.
I am fortunate in that my family knows what I’ve been through I’ve communicated clearly to them what my needs are and that I may, from time to time, need to step away from the festivities. I urge you to do the same and to honor your own needs. You spent the entire relationship capitulating to her demands. Now is the time to reclaim yourself, your time, and your space.
This is a shorter post than my others, but mostly I wanted to wish everyone here a happy, healthy, and safe holiday season. The holidays can be enjoyable and you can rediscover this. For me, moderation and baby-steps have gotten me to the point where I look forward to them again. You can get there, too. Just remember to honor your needs, and act accordingly.
Best wishes to all, and I’ll see you in the New Year.
-Kev.
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I think it is healthy, but only for the stout of heart and mind, to examine tradition and break out on one’s own, if only for the sake of self-perservation or to bring fresh light into the occasion. For too long, Christmas has been hijacked by Capitalism, or a day of putting on of airs and showing off.
So the few brave stand their ground and start their own tradition. In my case, I started going to Christmas eve mass last year with my mother (to try to mend old, old wounds), I make my own meal on Christmas day and read the Bible and such. Boxing Day I make myself available to family.
The peace of not being caught up in the machine is difficult to ascertain, as we are used to the hustle and bustle and tradition but, as I said, reinvention is only of the brave.
I agree about setting up new traditions. If it’s too scary to break with traditions all at once—even dysfunctional traditions can be hard to shake—break at least one or two this year and break some more next year. Who was it that said sacred cows make the best hamburgers?
I’ll post an article on Thursday about breaking holiday traditions and starting your own. Thanks to Kev for another heartfelt article.
This was my 1st Xmas without her and it was kind of depressing, although I went to my Mom’s for Xmas and saw the rest of my siblings for the first time in 4 years. It was a good and we ate a lot and they were all happy to see me. They all know my situation right now and all wished me the best. The funny thing is with one of my brothers, he has a little 3 year old girl that I never met and when they walked in the door, his girlfriend said to their little girl, “Look there’s Uncle Joe”. From the moment she was introduced to me, she wanted me to be by her side and sit with her all that time and her mother and my brother told me that she is never like this with anyone…I guess a little 3 year old girl knows the type of person I am upon first meeting over my girlfriend of 15 years…I guess Xmas miracles do happen….
Congrats on getting through your first Christmas, Bogeyman. I’m glad you were honest with your family. It’s times like these when a person can use the support of his or her family—whether they’re your family of origin or family of choice.
Thank You…
I found this website and it let me know what I have been going through for 13 years is not my fault. Knowledge is power and I feel so much better knowing that it wasnt my fault all these years. My question is does a female with bdp or any of the other manic disorders does there time of the month bring on manic episodes. my wife goes crazy around that time. every month things just spiral out of control and immediately after that time she is loving and forgets about all the drama and abuse that she put me through during that time. Is it anything that can be done to calm the situation. I want to stay married, but I dont/wont continue to go through the emotional and verbal abuse. Need help bad
Hi and welcome to S4M, FrankM. Your wife may want to consider being tested for PMDD. It’s a separate issue, but if she has a PD or PD traits, it may exacerbate her issues. On the other hand, many women use “that time of the month” as an excuse for their bad behavior. It can be difficult to tease out.
Hi Frank, and welcome…
I’m glad that we’ve been able to shed a little bit of light on to your situation. I remember my own sense of relief when I found out that maybe -just maybe- I wasn’t the one who was the problem.
(Kind of like watching the clouds part, a blast of sunlight, and a chorus of angels singing, isn’t it?)
As for your question… I don’t know if there’s anything that has shown there to be a direct link, but from experience, I would say “probably.”
As for calming the situation, I don’t have any real advice, other than consider leaving the relationship. I know this is a difficult choice to make, but 13 years is a very long time, and I can unfortunately, almost guarantee that there is nothing that will change your situation for the better. In fact, I would suspect it will only get worse. Maybe not the answer you’re looking for, but it’s something I wish someone had told me when I was in the depths of it.
One thing I would NOT recommend doing is pointing out the correlation to her flare-ups with her menstrual cycle to her. That fight isn’t worth it, and you’re not going to win.
Good luck, welcome, please read around this site, and the old one (http://shrink4men.wordpress.com), and feel free to ask questions.
The early years of my marriage had the craziness blamed on PMS. Well, I was dumb enough to hang around until menopause. That of course, became another excuse. Believe me. It’s just the way they are. If you are honest with yourself, I’m sure you’ll find that she goes whacko independant of that time of the month. I used to joke that PMS lasted 3 weeks. I bullshited myself for a long time. I was in denial…maybe you are too. Best of luck. There is peace on the other side of this thing. Don’t wait 15 years-like me.
Another note…as for my girlfriend…for a couple of days before Xmas, she kept saying how much she hates Xmas (BTW, her whole family says the exact same thing) and one day after Xmas, the tree and decorations immediately came down…how’s that for the Xmas Spirit?
I’ve dreaded Christmas for a lot of years, and not just because of my NPD. So, while I enjoyed the season, I just couldn’t catch the spirit.
The last couple of Christmas’ were especially bad, even though my NPD knew (and maybe even because she knew) my long-time feelings about Christmas. To make matters worse (I know some of you will shake your heads that I’m complaining about this – but look at it in context), I’m off every year for the week between Christmas and New Years. I was concerned about finding enough to do to fill that time without dwelling on the past.
This was my first without her. I’ve been surrounded by friends, and have done something every day. Spent Christmas day with my old roommates, who asked me to teach them how to cook a turkey. I gave gifts to people who were genuinely grateful to receive them. And I made a significant donation to a charity – the money that I would have spent on my NPD, and still, somehow, been wrong.
In all, I’m half-way through the week, and it’s been pretty good. I’ve managed to experience more love and joy this Christmas than I have for a long, long time.
congrats! many more great years to come. it’s nice to be loved, huh?
This was one of the best holidays ever. Friends, family and a good lady. I found myself singing and smiling a lot. It’s been nice. For over 3 months now, I have had “no incidents” and things were great. Last Sunday, I came home to find her driving around in my neighborhood (she’s trying to find my new jogging route). The very same day, an old “mutual friend” messages me out of the blue and wants to get together. I know it being the holidays, people get in touch with others but it was a haunting reminder of the small incidents that can lead to them (even in extreme remote ways) somehow “getting back into your life”. It reeked of “something not being right”. I stood my ground and kind-fully asked that they not contact me again. Ready for New Years!
Good for you! Don’t you love it when you don’t take the bait? I think you just may have foiled a Hoovering attempt.
i agree. nice job. its hard enough to cut off the ex themselves, much less a potentially ‘neutral’ ‘friend’.
mine contacted me on thanksgiving (a full year after beginning an affair, and exactly 3 days after our divorce was final). (im the one who filed). in any case, a year too late. she didnt leave a message and now i will try to block her number.
at first i thought maybe she was finally feeling sadness/pain/remorse of what she has done (if thats even possible). but i have to accept that i will ultimately never know, bc its not worth hearing what she could possibly have to say…to open that pandora’s box of letting her have access to me again.
i do think its interesting though, how she chose thanksgiving. as if i would maybe be more likely to answer. (wishful thinking on her part, after the nightmare of a year she put me through). laughable really.
My NPD sent me this a month after I left her:
“I acknowledge and take full responsibility for the problems in our marriage. I should have been more loving, more respectful, more giving, less critical, more supportive – just “been there” more for you.”
Great, acknowledgement after 3.5 years of hell. You couldn’t figure this out BEFORE I left you?? My unhappiness and depression weren’t a tip-off??? Then, explanation:
“I do know what love is. Sometimes (obviously quite an understatement!) I don’t show it very well but I do know what it is.”
“I miss you but I’m not lonely. Does that make sense? Maybe I can’t truly understand what you mean by being lonely, which is why it is so unbearably frustrating for you because it must seem like such a simple thing for someone to ‘get’ and I can see how you would be angry that I wasn’t ‘getting it’.”
This one really confuses me – it was amazing, then I got what I wanted, so I quit. Sorry about your luck.:
“You never repulsed me. I have told you a thousand times you are the only man that has ever made me feel the way you do. Thank you for some of the most wonderful memories of my life. When {first husband} and I divorced, that was all I wanted (only a teensy bit selfish). To have some memories before I died. And now I do.
Then, the deflection of responsibility:
“Why should I change after 3 and a half years?”
Umm, because you changed from a loving, sexy, intelligent woman into a heartless, frigid shrew??
And, ever the NPD, the final passage:
“My gawd, if I have to get married again, where I am ever going to find such a perfect dress again?????”
I pity husband #3, whoever he is.
Dr Tara – Thanks for the support. I knew I did the right thing but it’s always good to have some reassurance.
thistooshallpass – “i do think its interesting though, how she chose thanksgiving. as if i would maybe be more likely to answer”. Any little edge they can utilize, they will. I imagine that they get very lonely around those specific times of year.
never again – Any form of acknowledgment (which for me never came) is not much consolation, huh? Figuring it’s just another attempt at reeling you back in. The last of that letter pretty much sums it up.
The person I refer to will not directly approach me in any way. She is always looking for an angle or baiting me to come to her. As I told a friend, I figure I’ll just keep “lopping off tentacles” until she goes away or gets desperate and does something really foolish. I have quite a lot of “artillery” to file for a restraining order but feel I need just a little more before proceeding.
Sounds like some “hoovering” going on there. In my opinion, one of the most tragic elements of the BPDer is that they are only capable of being grateful for what they do not have. Sad, but very telling.
Id say this was the first official Christmas without my ex. We did break up during October of last year and the D was final in December, a week before Christmas. It was such a whirlwind during that time I didnt really think about Christmas. In the course of 2-3 months, she had moved out, I had moved to the other side of town and divorce preceedings were filed in the courthouse.
So this year was a lot less hectic during the holidays.
Its interesting to think about how much my PTSD has faded in a year. Its a hard thing to describe to people that havent been through it. How you always feel on edge. The best analogy ive come up with is like going to a haunted house during halloween. Youre walking down the dark corridors, youre on edge with anticipation of something about to jump out at you and scare you. Your breath is short and theres a tingling in your legs. If youve ever been to a haunted house and experienced that feeling, its like that – but all the time, every day.
So this Christmas was a welcome change. I had really forgotten about how much stress and how on edge I was. I spent some time with family and friends and all that. It was a little lonely, not having a serious girlfriend or wife during this time, but it was certainly a relief to have everything go smoothly and not have to deal with Mt. Vesuvious over petty things.
I guess the point is that for those of you that are still in the relationship or are still experiencing PTSD symptoms, they do get better. For the first 6 months after we split up I had nightmares almost every night. Reliving arguments and fights we had in my subconcious. Now I rarely have them. I used to also be really jumpy, thats eased up a lot too. I also used to be really apologetic, groveling and my adrenaline would start pumping, my throat would become dry, my palms sweaty and a there would be a nervousness in my voice when a friend or date would seem irritated. It was like I was trying to put out the fire before it turned into a blaze, just like I did with her. That eased up as well, when I got more out in the real world and made normal friends. When the amygdala was retrained with new stimulus that being 10 minutes late to a friends house did NOT = 4 hours of venemous, hateful and angry fighting later.
Each Christmas has become easier for me. This was the fourth one out from my marriage. I find I get stronger each year. Now, I can enjoy my kids without all the craziness of the XW.
I can understand how a person out of a Cluster B relationship can get stressed over their first Christmas without their SO.
But that was not my experience.
I spent the week of Christmas at my parent’s house with my daughter and it was awesome!
But then, I am still living in the same house with my STBX, while the divorce drags on. So getting away from her for an entire week was sooo refreshing.
Last year was probably the worst. I knew I was going to file for divorce, she did not. We went to her parent’s house. I spent the entire time not wanting to be there and being amazed at the audacity of my wife to completely ignore me and the rest of her family to text with her girl friend on Christmas.
I did start a new tradition this year. Me and my daughter started a tradition of singing Christmas Carols with me on piano and her signing. My playing isn’t great, but we had a blast.
Maybe next Christmas I will feel the PTS when the STBX is out of the house. But this year Christmas was the best one I had in years.
For me the holidays used to be dreaded. I had two options. I could alienate my friends and family or I could do exactly what my controlling BPD ex wanted me to do. She would definitely try her best to isolate me from family, friends, or anyone that loved me. Oddly, whichever one I picked it was always the wrong choice, even if I tried to do whatever she wanted. It was just a no win situation. I was going to be in the doghouse and no matter how hard I tried to do the “right” thing, it was always wrong and I was going to get punished for it! Eventually, I got to the point where I just said to myself, “I’m going to go visit my family and friends. If I’m going to be in the doghouse anyways, I’m at least going to do something that I like!” I would be in the doghouse for a week or so before Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years and at least a week or so after one of these holidays.
When I celebrated these holidays after I had split from my ex, I would find myself feeling unsettled or anxious for no good reason. It was kind of weird. I received some good advice on my first holidays alone to start new traditions. It took a lot to muster up the nerve to do it, but I did and it felt great! I’ve kind of taken a bit of joy in doing things that I like to do, but previously were not permitted and punished severely by my ex. Just a note, this could be something as silly as going to church, picking the wrong time for mass, going to a church where ALL of the mass times are unacceptable, visiting friends or family, talking to them on the phone for too long, spending three dollars too much on a present, or not driving the appropriate path to our destination. The list is endless, I could go on and on. I must admit that I still get the nervous butterflies in my stomach around the holidays, but I like that I am taking my holidays back. I like that I can enjoy and feel good about spending time with loved ones. I love the fact that I can do this and feel good about it and not be punished for it!
Christmas was always me arguing to include my family into our plans. She was cagey at making time with my family always seem so inconvenient. But one thing, when we spent time with others, it seemed to take the bullseye off my back…it provided another person to be the target of her criticism. Her daughter-in-law or wife of her nephew would always be doing something wrong. A relief to me, but I see now how being ignored or overlooked should not be something anyone should appreciate…even if it does ease the pressure of a life with such a person.
And feeling like a placeholder at some of these functions was below me…and anyone else. I should have stood up stronger for myself, even though my “take it as it comes” personality would only allow me to engage in confrontation when things were really bad. Thing is…they were that bad but I just did not/would not see it!
When I wanted to include a bit of my past into her families menu (brussel sprouts, believe it or not) she was outraged, asking how I would feel if she did the same to my family table. I said it would be welcomed!
But I will never see brussel sprouts the same way ever again.
This year, I got to spend some time with friends and their friends, which opened me to a more tolerant atmosphere. While I can’t say I ever would want to start trying to start over again, it was nice. And helped me to realize what was wrong in my past was really wrong.
I hope everyone out there was also able to find at least a few minutes of peace and tranquility over the holidays, and I hope things get better for us all.
I think the thing is, you get so used to the craziness that when it goes away you don’t know what to do. Then you realize, the yelling, name calling, putting everyone down, you never lived that way before. One day you wake up and say, hey, I’m back! At that point, you are free, they are forgiven, and you wish them peace.
This was the first holiday season that I did not spend any time with my family outside of when I was on active duty. I had to work during the holidays and in a way I’m glad that I did. My PDI spouse was plotting and planning her exit for some time and I found out what her intentions were 3 weeks prior to her moving out. My children spent the holidays with my family as usual. I did not feel like having to answer questions about where my wife was from relatives. My parents knew what was going on but I just had a very short fuse due to the constant stress.
I am relieved that the PDI spouse moved because I had planned on doing it if she had not. My holidays of past were sometimes happy sometimes not. The happy times of course came when she was getting everything under the Sun she wanted. My not so good times came from the reality that no matter how much she got for the holidays, she was still an unhappy person. The gifts were nothing more than a short-term fix. If I got a full week of pleasant behavior from her I was doing good.
I am looking forward to 2011 because even though the PDI has only been gone for 2 days now, I can finally walk into my home with a sense of ease and peace. I am still in the initial hurt phase because I don’t like seeing what this nonsense is doing to my children. My oldest daughter is convinced that I’m the bad guy so she’s pretty much stone walling right now. My middle daughter is torn down the middle because she can’t really understand what’s going on. My baby is hurting because she doesn’t like being away from me. All this equals up to a painful experience for me.
The bright side of things for me is that I share joint physical/legal custody. I will have the children half of the month and she get’s them for half. I much rather have this type of arrangement than to be nothing more than a weekend parent every other week. I expect 2011 to be the beginning of a new year full of positive changes. After I finish getting some things done around my house, I am going to take a vacation. Next year for the holidays, I am going to do something big for my children.
I wish everyone on this site a Happy New Year and a healthy outlook on life.
I think I may be one of the lucky ones in that until it came to the actual breakdown of my marriage, I only really had to deal with my ex projecting her horrible personality onto other family members. I was largely on the “white” side for the majority of the time. On occasions problems would manifest, like when I realised that every Boxing Day she would create an argument which prevented us going to visit my family, but mainly we were OK. When everything broke down, that first Xmas I was prevented from seeing my daughter. No real reason but everything was still very raw then.
This Xmas has been so different. This is largely due to my being able to disconnect from the arguments as a result of reading Dr T’s site. Not only have I disconnected from the arguments, but I’ve managed to make my ex understand that I’m not interested in her and I’m not interested in hurting her. And I’m not. I’ve posted before about a testimony I read from a confirmed male BPD who was aware of his disorder and wrote honestly about it. He said he was driven by impulse, felt compelled to act on it and that no-body should take his actions personally. This, to me, was an epiphany. Don’t take it personally. To my mind, a driving force behind the actions of the N/BPD is the fact they think everyone is like them. Kill or be killed, if you will. This feeling will be multiplied tenfold if anyone is actively seeking to hurt them.
If you have kids with a n/BPD, cease and desist. These are creatures of impulse. They genuinely forget/disregard what they do in the heat of the moment. Do not rise to the bait. I didn’t rise to the bait last Xmas. I knew that no good would come of it. Yes, I sacrificed a Xmas Day with my daughter but guess what? By not biting, my idiot ex realised that denying me access wasn’t going to get a reaction of any kind. And this Xmas, I went around and had a really nice time. And I’m getting on just great with the ex. Largely because she doesn’t see me as a threat.
This is my message: she probably didn’t plan what she’s done, don’t take it personally and choose the battles you need to win.