A Shrink4Men Forum member generated diagram that illustrate how many men experience conflict with their wives, girlfriends or exes. Thank you, Verbal. Of course, this can also be applied to personality disordered men as well.
If you have been involved with a high-conflict person or a borderline, a narcissist, a histrionic or a sociopath, you will undoubtedly be all too familiar with the stages in this flow chart. This diagram employs a little gallows humor, so if that’s not your cup of tea, consider yourself warned.
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This chart is great! Well for those that can’t see that there is no winning against a Cluster B anyway. I’d love to see this further expanded by dropping it into the cycle of abuse. Because we all know that “end process” is not the end this happens over and over again in the abusive relationship.
lol
Thanks for posting this, Dr. T.
I intentionally made the decision making process nonsensical in places. Because it fits “them”.
For those who can’t read the tiny text on the left, it says, “Patent Pending. Your results may vary. Do not operate heavy machinery. Void where prohibited. It’s all your fault.”
I wish I were able to post a larger version of it. I tried but it screws up the margin formatting. If you click on it and then click on the subsequent image, it will take you a a full size version of it.
If anyone would like the original Powerpoint, PM me at the legacy shrink4men forum with your e-mail and I’ll send you a copy.
I would like one – but I am not sure how to contact you. My husband and I were going over it and can’t make out two of the phrases in the circle.
E-mail me at [email protected]
I am so jealous that you and hubby can enjoy something like this together. I envision both of you having adult conversations about differences and getting to the point where you can have a rollicking good time laughing about the differences and follies of man v. woman.
Right now we’ve got the cold war started up again over something inconsequential. She’s watching her unending 24/7 cooking shows while playing unending 24/7 computer solitaire and I’m trying to make sense of what just happened.
Hubby, reach out and give wifey a hug and a kiss for being able to really communicate. I’ll bet you realize that there is probably a female version of the flowchart.
BTW, I’m also in Florida. Gotta love these winters in how it doesn’t stay cold for long.
If you are talking to me, I live in MN now. My husband is up here till his kids are old enough to make their own decisions and we are moving back to Florida – where we grew up together.
While we do laugh about some of this stuff, it is usually a sad laugh. We deal with a woman like this on a continual basis. The hardest part for me is watching him and the kids go through it. He bears the brunt of it, but it hurts to see his pain. We do a lot of laughing in general, about other things. We play a lot of games together (just not the head kind), and we spend time together — and alone. We are both from previously abusive relationships. We’ve both been there. I’m just thankful that my ex and I didn’t have kids together so I was able to sever those ties. I am thankful he had kids with his ex. They are great kids and we have made a family together. I’m just not glad for all the chaos she causes.
Didn’t mean to ramble on – sorry about that. You are right – there probably is a female version of this flowchart. I could actually apply a lot of this stuff to my ex.
Well done, Verbal!
It was a sadly-knowing laugh, but a good laugh, nonetheless.
I didn’t think it was actually possible to map out what it was like to live with my ex, but I think you’ve managed to do it! 🙂
There is a whole bunch more stuff I could have added, particularly with Projection, but I basically ran out of room and things were tiny enough already.
have you considered turning this into a board game? 🙂
Projection. It’s not just a room in the back of a theater. I made that up.
Great job, Verbal! I really enjoyed the humor.
I agree with Kev: this would make a great board game.
What do you get if you “win” the board game? Your freedom? Your sanity? What does she get if she wins? Just wondering. I see it as a combo of the old board game Life and Chutes and Ladders.
I think it’s a little like the movie “War Games”: the only way to win is to not play.
It’s a game, but the problem is one doesn’t know it was a game until it’s over. To be clear, George Carlin’s comedy piece on The American Dream explains the it: if you substitute “politicians” or “they” or “the people in power” with your particular Cluster B significant other: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acLW1vFO-2Q
I think it would actually be a cool ‘game’ for men’s group therapy sessions…you know, get the competitive juices flowing, while also being ‘allowed’ to laugh about what they’ve been through…that’s if any of them can make it out of the house long enough to attend a meeting without being accused of going to a man’s meeting for a gay orgy!!
I’d say whoever gets out of the game wins! Like as in being a quitter means you get to keep your B*lls (which would be a kind of cool gamepiece)!!
And for everyone who plays, there IS a way to win.
like “the old board game of Life and Chutes and Ladders” — with all the goodness of Russian Roulette! At least that’s how it feels.
I think there could be an entire flow chart just on projection, and if you need a case study, I nominate my husband’s exBPD. Oh, and when all else fails, throw in a big dose of hyper-religiosity and invoke the name of God (or Jesus, depending on the holiday season) as a form of intimidation. That is a typical final blow before the hang-up.
Amen, Brother! (or sister…sorry..couldn’t tell)
vo
Mother Figure…big into God / Jesus / judgment (which is supposed to be reserved for our creator, not people)…made us attend church every Sunday and listen to the “Jesus station” on the radio…was superintendent of the Sunday School and directed all the Christmas Programs…played organ…involved in the ladies guild…maybe that’s why Church People scare me!
Hi Everyone,
Just changed the link on the image, so that if you click on it once, it will take you to a larger version of it.
I was just wondering how my XHPD got the flow chart she used everyday posted
on the site?
Perhaps add a feature that each movement causes a spinning and shrinking motions that gets smaller and smaller as your life spins out of control and starts vanishing to nothing and eventually shrinks to nothing. Or a bawdy version associated with a flushing.
No no no MDS…the way the figure would work is that they’d be two balloons, one for her ego, the other for yours. With each spin her ego balloon grows and yours gets more and more crowded out and deflated. Game is over either when your balloon goes limp (you lose) or when you figure out the secret to winning: get out.
I have just sent a copy of the powerpoint version to everyone who wrote to my e-mail address and requested it. Enjoy!
Any chance you can do it in 3-D? Talk about “Lost in Space…”
I can’t even cope with this woman in 2-D.
Very good.
The NPD perswon I have been dealing with , lately, uses one of these techniques, repeatedly. This person seems to always point out that other people feel a certain way about me , or they view my actions a certain way. In other words, she attributes the thoughts and feelings she has about me to others, as well as herself
It is such a strange way to argue, cowardly, actually, as she banks on either my not having access to the other people to verify these allegations or she feels i will be unwilling to consult them.
When I have a disagreement with someone, i cannot imagine telling the person that others agree with me or feel a certain way. The disagreement is between us, so why should I inject information about what others say.
Finally, I had had enough of this and I consulted with one of the folks she claied said thing. The person was shocked and told me no such conversation took place.
I love this tactic, the claiming that others feel a certain way about one. It is classicly disordered and pathological.
OMGosh~ I have a sister who does the same thing – she claims that other family members are ‘afraid’ of me b/c I’m so angry. She says this after screaming loudly, and attempting every dirty trick in the book, calling me and my friends scum, doing everything she can to suck me into her fight (all the while claiming I’m looking for a fight)…for the unforgiveable sin of asking her not to make fun of my daughter, when she was first learning to play the trumpet (continuously comparing it to ‘fart’ noises).
I suspect that she has been telling stories (lies) about me to others…she and the mother figure are great at sitting around the table gossipping about the others in the family. I wonder what they would think of her if they knew half the stuff she had said about them.
Yes, it is the weirdest way of arguing or debating I have ever seen. Rather than make her point, or trying to make it and have a civilized discussion about points of disagreement, I have to hear how others agree with her or see me as she does.
And, the things she interjects are so off point. They are just meant to be gratuitously hurtful and have nothing to do with the issue at hand. I am almost embarrassed for her as this technique is so crude and juvenile.
Verbal,
I shared this diagram and a related one “high conflict phases” (I think I found it here) with a coworker. I thought he was going to cry. The first thing he said was, “I’m going to sit down with my son and share this with him”. Verbal you may very well have saved a decent young man the pain of enduring a bad relationship and spared my friend the pain of watching his son go through it.
This is so spot on. Someone not familiar with having a borderline personality disordered girlfriend would think this diagram to be an exaggeration. You know what’s scary? It’s not.
Typical Saturday with my ex-bpd girlfriend went like this. Wake up, walk downtown and get some breakfast. Walking back, she’s all smiles, full of ideas of how to enjoy the weekend. She’s radiant. We sit to watch a few shows on TV before the day’s big plans. Commercial for Palmolive dish soap comes on TV with shot of woman washing dirty dishes. I make comment about how I hate commercials, (split), she quickly replies back whatever, you probably want to f–k her. I freeze, hope it passes. The next comment that comes is “maybe you should just go home”. I get deer in headlights look. She rages out. “Get the F#@! out of my house now!” I get up to go, she blocks my departure. I go back to the sofa and sit. She rages out. “Stand the f@# up” I stand up. She rages out. “Why are you still f@#$@# here, get out!” I sheepishly walk towards door, she threatens to make my life a living hell if I leave. I cannot win. I go sit down again, she gets up, goes to kitchen, spins the random accusation wheel, starts accusing me of everything she can think of, throws stuff at me from the kitchen. I duck. She starts to rage out more. Claims it’s all my fault that she acts this way. More expletives. I attempt to reason. Freak out, throws stuff. I make a break for the door, I make it through, and sprint to my car. I can hear her feet slapping on the pavement behind me as she screams at the top of her lungs so the entire neighborhood can hear her call me an ass-ole and a Pr@#$ and everything else. I get to my car, open the door, jump inside, lock the door. Stuff rains down on my company car from above on the 2nd floor of the apartment building where she lives. Keys, books, laundry baskets, whatever she can get her hands on. I speed off, I see her sobbing and screaming from the 2nd floor of the apartment building. I hide at my friends house overnight. I go home quickly to retrieve my dog because I’m not certain she won’t abduct my dog. I leave my phone in the car overnight. In the morning I check and I literally have 85 missed calls.
I come back, she says I’m emotionally abusive because abandon her and ignore her when we fight. WTF? Later that same week she chucks my blackberry onto the freeway because she called me and I didn’t answer. I was working.
This flowchart is no exaggeration. I hope everyone realizes that.
Holy smokes, John P. But, at least it was so egregious that you were left with no doubts about her being disordered. I was , somewhat fortunate, as well, as some of thje stuff that was done was simply off the wall. The folks that seem to have the most difficulty or doubts are those dealing with the subtler, ambient abusers.