This video discusses the 5 basic fears that drive high-conflict personality disordered individuals. No one is recommending using the knowledge of these fears to hurt or destroy these individuals. It’s essential you understand these fears in order to protect yourself from an abusive ex or spouse who is intent on harming and destroying you and your loved ones.
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Counseling with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. Coaching individuals through high-conflict divorce and custody cases is also an area of expertise. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for more information.
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Thursday, February 19
Fear is linked to threat. You’re not afraid of something you don’t consider a threat.
You don’t impose fear on someone. You can attempt to instill it or you can attempt to amp up an existing fear. Different people will be more vulnerable to some of the 5 fears than others.
As you pointed out, if you’re not willing to carry things through to completion, don’t start. For a threat to be credible, they have to believe you’ll carry it out. Otherwise, it’s called a bluff. You don’t necessarily have to be a son-of-a-bitch but you have to make them believe you are. Exerting leverage isn’t a passive strategy, it’s an active strategy.
The question is: In light of the 3Ds, Detach, Disengage, and Defend, how aggressive should you be in either attempting to instill fear or amp up the existing ones in the effort to make things sufficiently uncomfortable for them to leave you alone?
I recommend using their fears against them after nothing else has worked. Make it boring for them to continue messing with you, or legally and lawfully deliver painful consequences.
This where you can put all the “walking on eggshells” you did when you were together to good use.
You know what sets them off, now, you may be in a position to make it work for you.
Vulnerabilities are where you find them.
Please don’t hang this on feminism – I’m a feminist and I know BPD men & women. Vampire is the operative word here! I wish we could leave gender politics out of this, because I’m here as a victim of these crazies (mother, sister, brother, xx) and I really appreciate the dialogue you’ve set up here. I hate feeling alienated by the misconception of feminism. BPD women HATE feminism because it’s broken down traditional roles that these parasitical personalities exploited for it was worth. My father worked hard to support his family, as was his cultural role at the time. He was my mother’s meal ticket. I’m a feminist BECAUSE of my mother’s lazy, exploitative, and manipulative personality. And yes, she hates it! Because SHE was always looking for someone to take care of her. Traditional family values are the perfect alibi for these types.
Thanks so much for this video. It’s invaluable. I have a child with a borderline from a deception-driven pregnancy. Over the years, I have used many of the first 4 tactics to somewhat effectively manage her craziness, allowing me to have some contact with my child. It’s never been easy, she’s constantly shifting her tactics and bringing more chaos. Unfortunately, I was a victim of my own success. I fooled myself into thinking she got better. I tried to “collaborate” with her for the sake of our child. Wrong answer. In not time, the friendly interaction unleashed he inner crazy with a vengeance. Out of the blue she took me to court for child support (among other things) and made my life a living hell because, well, she could. My lawyer and I tried to reason with her for the sake of everybody, but that made things worse. (My attorney got sucked into her act.) I hired a new attorney who saw right through her and told me to stop feeding her crazy by being Mr. Reasonable and attack her back by pointing out her crazy behavior in our court filings. (Luckily, I had a lot of emails to back up my claims.) BOOM! Like magic she agreed to a settlement. Then to punish me she took my child out of my life…but at least I have peace. My attorney warned me that she’ll be back. The next time I’ll be armed with a better approach.
Sorry for the long reply, but thanks for the good work. Most BDP sites sugar coat what BDPs are really like. These sites are destructive for the victims. Your site is one of only a few that get it from the victim’s point of view.
The story about the entitled frequent flier who fakes needing a knee brace really struck home for me. My Ex would demand a wheelchair at the ticket counter every time we flown. That’s right, she would haul heavy suitcases through a long line and then suddenly become confined to a wheelchair. Our son and I would tell her that was unethical, that she didn’t really need a wheelchair her response was “Why would you wait in line to go through security when you can zip through in a wheelchair? Anyone who doesn’t claim to be disabled is a chump.”
Our son is in no contact with his mother. So am I.
My wife, of 12 years, fits into all those categories. Through websites like this I have learned to spot, dissect and respond appropriately to her tactics. At first I gathered info in an attempt to fix my marriage but now I see it is a waste of my time and energy.
Everything my wife does is motivated by her deep rooted fears which I have fallen victim too. I really feel sorry for her. I used to feel that there was hope in keeping our family together but not anymore.
My wife is what I call a “public success and private failure”. To people that don’t truly know her she appears charming, charismatic, driven and personable- because she is but that is only her facade. To the intimately informed she’s cold, manipulative, bossy, controlling and belligerent. My nine year old daughter has told me on several occasions that she feels mommy is mean and that she makes her feel bad. My wife knows about his and could care less.
In my wife’s eyes she feels that I owe her a dream life as a housewife
My wife, of 12 years, fits into all those categories. Through websites like this I have learned to spot, dissect and respond appropriately to her tactics. At first I gathered BPD/NPD info in an attempt to fix my marriage but now I see it is a waste of my time and energy.
Everything my wife does is motivated by her deep rooted fears which I have fallen victim too. I really feel sorry for her. I used to feel that there was hope in keeping our family together but not anymore.
My wife is what I call a “public success and private failure”. To people that don’t truly know her she appears charming, charismatic, driven and personable because she is-but that is only her facade.
To the intimately informed she’s cold, manipulative, bossy, controlling and belligerent. Her image and the appearance of having “everything together” mean more to her than the people in her life.
My wife is perpetuating the same environment she grew up in as a child. From the outside view, they appeared to be the all-american family but behind closed doors they lived (still do) in utter chaos, due to her father possibly being NPD/BPD. In the same way her family kept secrets about his behavior and put on the facade of having “everything together” she has re-created the same theme in her own family. That was one of the signs that her issues were bigger than me and that I shouldn’t take them personally. That being said I must take full responsibility for my own well being and if my relationship is unhealthy then I must take suitable action to remedy the issue.
Keep up the good work. I know a lot of guys who don’t understand the hard road ahead of them when dealing with women that suffer with BPD/NPD. Personally I would have never imagined allowing someone to subject me to some of the abuses i’ve dealt with over the course of the past 12 years of my marriage. Experiencing it firsthand has really been a surreal feeling. The work you do is needed and respected.