From the desk of CrazyBuster, Micksbabe:
So you’ve gone through the soul-sucking, painful and expensive process of ridding yourself of your Crazy Ex and now, understandably, you are lonely and would like to test the proverbial waters and find a woman to spend some time with and maybe, just maybe, you can find a woman who loves you as much as you love her, get married and live happily ever after.
I know people who met their spouses on the Internet. It’s also understandable that, at this point, you might be a little gun shy, given that before the Crazy Ex pulled off her mask, you truly believed she was “THE ONE”.
Lots of good, decent and sane people are looking for love on the Internet. It’s the wave of the future.
Social networking is quicker and easier than in-person networking. You don’t even need to leave your chair (or your car, if you have the right App). You can shop for mates the way you shop for Christmas gifts on Amazon.
What would really be helpful though, is if Internet dating “shoppers” could leave unbiased reviews just like Amazon customers do. For example, “I bought this convection oven six months ago and it’s already broken with no warranty!”
What if previous suitors on dating sites could leave reviews like, “This contestant looks nothing like her profile picture!” Or, “This woman killed my cat in a fit of rage!”
It would be good to get a heads-up of this nature when looking for your next potential mate. Basically, there are only two ways to protect yourself — be a Psychic or learn to recognize Internet dating red flags.
For those not psychically inclined, I’ve noticed a few red flags that might be helpful in learning to weed through the Crazies.
1. “My Baby’s Daddy is a DEADBEAT!!!”
Her ex might be a “deadbeat.” He also may just be her ex and she’s pissed about being divorced. Either way, it doesn’t matter because, right or wrong, this chick is ANGRY and she needs a therapist, not a boyfriend. Certainly not another future “deadbeat.”
2. “My CHILDREN are my WORLD!!!!”
Odds are, if you selected the “Divorced” option on your preferences list, you’re going to meet divorced women who have children (just like you may have children). It’s great that she wants people to know that she loves her kids. In most cases, this goes without saying (and should go without saying). However, if her children are her “world” then she needs to give her children a reprieve and get her own world – one where her children can just be children and not the reason she hasn’t offed herself yet.
Ironically, every woman I’ve ever met who uses this phrase, also uses her children as a prop to either garner sympathy for being a “single muuuther,” or as leverage against their “deadbeat” father to extort money. If you read or hear this phrase spoken, drop your laptop, phone or eating utensil and run. Don’t look back. Unless you can see she’s chasing you, then run faster.
3. “I live with my parents.”
We all occasionally fall on hard times and sometimes our parents are there to help us pick up the pieces. TEMPORARILY. Then there are people who spend their lives looking for someone else to pick up their pieces. There is a very fine line here.
You are well within your rights to inquire as to how long, and if ever she has lived completely on her own. Being able to stand on our own two feet without the support of others is a benchmark of being a grown up. It’s also what all of us need in a partner – someone that can give as well as take.
If you find out that a potential Internet mate has never lived on her own resources, she is a DEPENDENT and will likely always be a dependent. Don’t let her become yours.
4. “Accept me as I am.”
If this woman were a car, she would have a sticker that says, “As is. No warranty.” In Crazy-speak, “Accept me as I am,” means, “You are never allowed to disagree with or criticize me in any way. Ever.” This is unacceptable in a relationship.
In a healthy relationship, both partners should be able to disagree on an issue and not come to blows. Your partner doesn’t have the right to decide how you feel. This candidate does not know how to be in a relationship. Do not “accept” her wink or nod or flirt or icebreaker.
5. “I want a real man.”
By all scientific definitions, a “real” man has an XY chromosome combination and male genitalia. What does she mean by “real” man? I can only guess.
It likely means that she hates her Daddy and you and every man before you and after you will fail to be a “real” man because her expectations are unrealistic and because you are not, after all, her Daddy. Block her from contacting you.
6. “I’m new to this internet dating thingy.”
Unless she’s just recently become single, she’s probably lying. You can check the “member since” on a lot of dating sites.
Why would someone want to lie about how long they’ve been on a dating site? Because they’ve sent countless men running for their lives and they don’t want you to do the same. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. Coaching individuals through high-conflict divorce and custody cases is also an area of expertise. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for more information.
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