Do you remember the first time you saw behind your wife’s, girlfriend’s or ex’s mask and saw her true abusive nature?
Do you remember the first time you wondered, “Who is this person?”
Do you remember the first time you realized, “Something is very wrong in this relationship and it’s not me?”
The WTF moment is when you see behind your abusive partner’s mask for the first time and finally realize there’s a problem in your relationship and it’s not you.
This program discusses relationship stages, high-conflict, sociopathic and/or abusive women and the WTF moment.
Counseling with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. Coaching individuals through high-conflict divorce and custody cases is also an area of expertise. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for more information.
Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.
What Time zone is the 6PM Show start-located in?
Oops! I see..Looks like Eastern. 7 mountain where I am.
Hi Chester,
Yes, 7pm MT. Will you be calling in tonight?
I did call in but weenied out after being on hold a little while. These radio shows of yours are just neat as hell. I replay them constantly. I have my skype up and going and a test 20 dollars in my paypal acct. Much to talk about. I will e-mail you to figure a time to schedule an hour…also how to work the paypal pmt. I haven’t used it yet. Here comes an e-mail. No rush in your reply…I’m in a pretty good spot…for now ;)….
I’d had dozens and dozens of warnings. Big red ogres swatting me with cluebats. Friends saying, “Are you sure you… ” And I had answers for all of them. I was going to make this marriage work, dammit, too many failed romances (what’s that old despair poster say, “The only common factor in all your failed relationships is YOU”) and I wasn’t a kid anymore, etc., whatever it took to snowball my own inner concerns.
We married, and then she spent a few months in her old city finishing the school year before moving to the house. When she came, she wasn’t happy. In a day, she was sick. Outside it was winter rain. I made her soup, nothing fancy, just packaged noodle soup that she asked for. I got a dozen directions on how to heat it, boil it, don’t boil it, etc. When I took it to her she was in the living room on the floor, wrapped in a blanket. She took it, took a sip from it, and began, “How could you do this to me? This is cold. I asked for hot soup and you gave me this. How could you do this to me?”
And at that moment everything fell away. Oh, I had years and years of excuses left to keep me from cutting the ties, but with that “How could you do this to me?” I knew that I was in forbidden territory, where dark things lurked. I wondered how the Hell I had gotten myself there. The soup wasn’t boiling, but it wasn’t cold. Why didn’t she just ask me to heat it up some more? How was it that doing something to take care of someone I loved, even if done imperfectly, could be seen as “How could you do this to me?”
It was all downhill from there.
Hi all!
I’ve had more red flag moments with my current wife than I can even begin to count. Here is the latest and greatest:
-This happened about a month ago- so my wife is driving around with a borrowed handicap placard, though she herself is not handicapped at all..the excuse is to get better parking at her 5-10 hr per week retail mall job during the holidays, but she uses it constantly…she begins taking the handicap spot in front of our apt building where our elderly neighbors usually park..time passes and you can tell tension is growing…he finally comes over to confront her and is obviously nervous, maybe a little drunk and has no idea he has awakened the devil…he stammers something about living there for 12 years, that his wife is not in good health and he is going to say something about it to management..she goes off like a flailing douche bag in a bar fight..she starts taunting him ” oh you want to dance?? you want to go toe to toe with me?” and when he says he is going to “rev it up” she beats him to the office, claims harassment and they are voluntarily evicted..
This is just one small slice of life with this woman. I could go on and on. the WTF moments rack up weekly.
Stumbling upon this site has meant more to me than hours of counseling, therapy, books and introspection. Thank you!
Just found this site a few weeks ago, and let me tell you, it has opened my eyes wide on the behavior of my wife over the last few years.
-My WTF moment that brought me to this site was my 7yr old daughter crying her eyes out to me while laying in bed with her. She was upset with the way mommy was treating daddy, mommy always tells her that “Daddy doesn’t know what he is doing” and that I “am irresponsible, lacks common sense, is unobservant, and forgetful” and my wife has been harping on her that “you are just like your father”. This has sent my daughter into a tizzy that she hates how mom treats me, and thinks that she is horrible because she is like daddy.
-This broke my heart, and got me thinking about what my wife’s problem could be. I found this site, and it became perfectly clear- NPD in a BIG way. Her mother is the same way, and I can’t take the double team of her and her mom both telling me that i am not worthy because of (insert the issue of the month)…..
-I was able to make it to a few of my daughter’s swim practices, without my wife, and her coaches/instructors told me “I am glad you are here ***** does much better when her mother is not here. I assume that is because my wife will punish my daughter for not swimming fast enough, or properly, in an embarressing manner (this is toward a 7 yr old girl mind you….).
-In July, my wife told me that I was too pushy when it came to physical intimacy (I was getting tired of once every other month), she told me that I have a problem, and that I was no longer able to bring up the subject, do not talk about it because talking about it puts her out of the mood. She would initiate from now on, and if i talked about it, it would be even longer. Put directly into a no-win situation. Going on 6 months now, and she could not be happier……
-These are just some of my recent WTF moments, that when taken as a whole, looks like NPD to me.
Hey Everyone
I also just found this site a couple of weeks ago, and it has restored my oxygen supply following a typically turbulent relationship with a top line BPD abuser.
My WTF moment came two months after we started dating, and during which time all I heard was how we should ‘get married’. There were so many examples being thrown around about how her grandparents knew they were destined to marry after a single week, with the implication being that I was a loser who didn’t know perfection when it was staring him in the face. Keep in mind, this was still in the ‘opening phase’ of a typical BPD relationship, when they are super sweet (although a bit strange on those little things that you can never really pull the string on). I eventually relented somewhat and gave her a “promise ring” instead of an engagement ring, saying that it meant I was promising to be with her as we explored the options for our relationship and perhaps an eventual engagement and marriage. That was all I had in me, and I wasn’t jumping off any cliffs at that moment in a largely undefined relationship dynamic. I had a good marriage behind me, and wanted to be sure this one would surpass it before signing on for another tour.
So, fast forward a week (and WTF) all of a sudden my computer was being hacked by her searching for fictional “relationship interests” and correspondence with my ex-girlfriends (both of whom were years behind me, and never in my correspondence wheel house). I said something to the effect of her being “trust challenged” and how I couldn’t live without trust in any relationship, but particularly in a relationship that was supposed to be leading to a possible marriage. She, of course, went absolutely wild, screaming, throwing things, and attacking me physically (something I had never seen before in 20 years of a marriage and two dating relationships). I was not going to get into a fist fight with her so I kept trying to get out of the room without having to push her, and she grabbed my right thumb and broke it by pushing it all the way back against my wrist as I trying to get out of the room. I felt like I was falling into some black hole of eternal torture at that point. I couldn’t imagine seeing her again in my life at that moment. I couldn’t imagine telling anyone about what an idiot I had been to buy into her BPD script. I had myself convinced that she was an Asperger’s case, just trying to work things out. I continued to delude myself with that line of reasoning through many other physically abusive moments, and many threats about her being ready to beat herself up and present herself to any police officer who I called to remove her from my house. I ended up living as her captive until I stopped engaging with her on any level. Through adoption of ghost status over a period of months, she eventually left a few weeks ago, and I still greatly fear that she’ll show up at my door one night. I can’t believe the level of both fear and depression this has spurred in me. I feel utterly deadened to normal emotional involvement with anyone, and after finally coming clean on my experience with my family members they all confirmed their often discussed suspicions about her based on some truly wild things she had said behind my back but in their presence. It was stultifying to hear the things she’d said, including some rather lurid references to people she was probably seeing “on the side” while we were supposedly in this relationship, and while she was falsely accusing me of precisely that behavior.
The WTF moment is such a life sucker. You know you’ve made a horrible mistake but breaking free is one of the most difficult battles you’re likely to fight in your life. I’m assuming I’ll feel a little better each day (assuming she doesn’t come crashing in through a window) and so look forward to being with a normal person if/when I’ve put myself back together again.
Thanks for all the comments on this site. This is so much better than therapy or books…. this is truth that will help me (and others) heal!
My first WTF moment was after I had a son and purchased a house with my STBX. I left for Afghanistan putting her in charge of the finances and giving her a power of attorney. When I returned 8 months later I was facing bankruptcy. When I realized her version of events didn’t add up I went to the bank and pulled my transaction records for the previous year. Needless to say there were a few discrepancies. When I questioned her about these charges she: A) Flat out denied it ever happened, B) Claimed ignorance of where and what she spent it on, C) Went on a teary eyed rant about how I was a horrible husband and father for leaving her all alone, and that I must have wanted to deploy so that I could escape my duties and responsibilities at home.
Hindsight being 20/20 there were actually many WTF moments before that. However I either ignored or explained them away. I never saw it coming, I never expected to be deceived and manipulated. When she claimed that she was “not like all the others” I believed her. My anger and disgust with her is only eclipsed by my shame and guilt for being fooled so easily.
No one is perfect. If someone seems too good to be true, they’ve probably got an agenda.
I know this now, but I had to learn it the hard way.
Better late than never.
They started pretty much from the beginning. I remember walking around the yard on the phone with her. My arms just going everywhere defending myself for the stupidest of things. I have had sex with half of Houston. She has ruined pracactly every vacation we have planned. Called her son twice to come get her while on vacation. I have been called every name in the book, so many times. I have begged her to go to councelling, to no avail. I told her a couple years ago I thought she maybe had BPD, and I will never forget the look in her eyes. It was like oh no, he found out. Since that time we apart more than we have been together. We were apart for three months and she came back. During this time I bought another motorcycle from a lady after her divorce. G/F and I had 3 great days together. She started going to alanon, something I begged her to do. I have beeen sober 23 years. She went home and started in about the lady I bought the bike from, wanting t know every detail of our communication. I took the lady for 1 last ride on the bike, she wanted to know where we went, what happened when I picked her up, when I took her home. Just totally crazy stuff. Then out of the blue, she changed her number and we have had know contact since, about a month ago now. I need to seek help for myself after this. I read where the person we met really doesnt exist and that saddens me deeply. I will keep reading here and am thinking about making a geographical move. Because I know she will start this with a new guy and come back to me for the weekend to get her fix, but I cant do this anymore, it’s killing me.