For those of you men out there who don’t know what to get for the abusive woman in your life for Christmas (sorry I missed Hanukkah this year), here are some gift ideas that she probably won’t appreciate, but may provide you with some mirth. Then again, since it doesn’t matter how much you spend or how much thought you put into selecting her present; you’re going to fail, why not go down in flames with a laugh? *Please be advised: This article contains gallows humor, so if that’s not your cup of tea, please navigate away from the page.
1. The Angry Wife Ringtone. It’s the perfect gift to allow your high-conflict spouse to “reach out and abuse someone;” namely you. You’ll know exactly who’s on the other end of the line when the yelling begins. It’s guaranteed to cause a Pavlovian fear response whenever you hear her dulcet tones. Of course, instead of salivating when you hear the ring, it will probably induce quaking, trembling and/or twitching, nevertheless, it’s still an example of operant conditioning. . . from phonezoo—free of charge!
*Warning: Please turn down the volume on your computer if you’re at work or some other place where it may not be appropriate to play this. (Click on the link to sample.)
2. The Mr Wonderful Talking Doll. Tired of never getting it right? Tired of always saying the wrong thing? Meet your new best friend, the Mr Wonderful Talking Doll. He always knows just what to say to soothe the savage breast.
For example, your wife or girlfriend can give him a squeeze (or throw him across the room) and Mr Wonderful will respond, “Why don’t we go to the mall? Don’t you want some new shoes? You look beautiful in the morning. The ball game isn’t important. I’d rather spend time with you. Let’s talk about our relationship.” And if Mr Wonderful doesn’t get it right? Well, everything’s always your fault anyway, so what’s one more item added to her laundry list of grievances? Available at Amazon.com.
3. The Disney Princess Magic Talking Mirror Set. This enchanted mirror allows your self-appointed princess, queen, empress, czarina, dictator, etc., to gaze at her reflection and be told, “You look too lovely today!” and “You’re the fairest in the land” and “You’re the most beautiful princess in the whole world.”
It’s a must-have for every Narcissist on your gift list this year. Plus, if you buy her a bulk package of batteries from Costco, it will save you some time and energy in the undying adoration department. She’ll be thrilled with her new never-ending narcissistic supply and you’ll be a hero for 5 minutes—until she starts to compare you to the mirror. Why can’t you be more like my Magic Mirror? SIGH. . .
4. The Green Hornet Hot Shot Electric Cattle Prod. Think of the endless hours of fun your wife or girlfriend will have zapping you when you least expect it. If she had any friends, they’d all be “green” with envy. . . “How dare you criticize me!” Zap. “Who do you think you are to question me!” Zap. “Stop being so sensitive.” Zap. “I shouldn’t have to tell you what I want; you should know.” Zap. “I’m bored.” Zap. Dance, monkey!” Zap.
5. A Box of Applause. I was going to write my own snarky description, but I don’t think it’s possible to build upon the sales blurb at Sky Mall:
Craving a little recognition? Someone who gets your jokes? Open the Box of Applause and be greeted with the sounds of cheering and clapping from a very enthusiastic crowd. Close your eyes and imagine yourself accepting that Oscar, Nobel Prize or Best Comedy Emmy.
Yes, this is the real product description. I’m pretty imaginative, but I can’t make up stuff like this.
6. The Husband/Boyfriend GPS Tracking System. Tired of her endless interrogations? Where were you? Who were you with? Who did you talk to? Where did you go after work? You were gone too long to just have been at the store?
Indulge her controlling nature and put her pathological jealousy to rest with this handy dandy GPS tracking system that records everywhere your vehicle has traveled during the day. All she has to do is attach it securely to your vehicle and then pop it into her computer’s USB port (or you can do it for her). Sure, it’s restrictive, but it’s less invasive than a microchip embedded in your molar.
7. Retractable Leash and Collar. It’s the perfect gift to show who’s really in charge. She likes to “yank your chain,” so why not give her the real thing? Why a retractable leash instead of a basic leash? All the better to screw with your head, of course.
She’ll give you just enough lead to let you momentarily experience a sense of freedom. Then with the mere push of a button—click—your feet fly out from underneath you and you’re flat on your back wondering what the heck happened—just like Foghorn Leghorn and George P. Dog (The Barnyard Dawg). Changing the length of the leash at will gives her the added bonus of the element of surprise and the inability to predict when she’ll jerk your chain.
And as long as we’re on a canine theme. . .
8. Your Very Own Dog House. It’s the perfect gift for when you disappoint her, displease her or try to do something nice for her. Yes, you did all the laundry, but you didn’t fold the towels the way she likes. Yes, you took her car to get serviced on your lunch hour, but you didn’t bring it back with a full tank of gas. You were breathing to loud. You looked at her the wrong way. You didn’t respond to her quickly enough. What can you do? Where can you go? Why, your very own dog house!
Many abusive women think there’s no greater punishment than giving you the silent treatment and/or banishing you from their presence. Your very own dog house gives you a place to go until she thinks you’ve suffered enough. *DirectTV hook-up ready.
9. Stigmata Costume. It’s the perfect gift for your favorite martyr/professional victim! Nothing quite says, “See how much I sacrifice for you! I do everything around here. You never lift a finger to help me—Hey! Stop mopping the floor when I’m talking to you! And that’s another thing—you NEVER listen to me. You don’t love me. The only person you think about is yourself!” than some nice oozing stigmata wounds.
High-conflict and/or abusive personality-disordered individuals usually portray themselves as victims—it doesn’t matter that they’re the ones who are usually victimizing others—their reality is the only one that counts. Wearing fake stigmata will save your martyr precious time by allowing her to “shorthand” her victim shtick. Instead of her “me, victim—you, bastard” routine, a simple hand gesture will do. *Wooden cross not included.
10. The Boyfriend/Husband/Ex Punching Bag. This is the perfect gift no matter the time of year. Think of this inflatable man as your stunt double and let “Pinky” take some of the heat.
The plastic photo pouch allows your wife/girlfriend/ex to personalize her psychotic rage episodes or cold silences with an image of you when you’re not available. She can yell at and/or ignore Pinky whenever it “strikes” her fancy. The best part is that your better half can unleash her demons with zero damage to you! He can also act as a stand-in for when she starts one of her pointless, endless grievance sessions right before bedtime, after you’ve had a hard day at work.
As an added bonus, when you’re finally ready to end your abusive relationship, your ex will have someone on whom she can take out her frustrations. *Air pump sold separately.
And as a bonus gift selection. . .
11. A Lump of Coal. Call me a traditionalist, but the classics never die.
Happy holidays, everyone!
Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.
Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
never again says
Honestly, I have completely cut my ex-wife out of my life, but I do still have her phone numbers in my phone, along with a particular ring tone, just so I know not to answer if it’s her calling. That way it can go to voicemail and I can have whatever bullshit she pulls on record.
I’m not one for downloading ring tones, but I think I know just where to put this one. Thanks Dr. T!!
And the folding towels and “stop mopping the floor” thing? Spot on. The first time I managed to get her to attend counselling with me, the only think she could come up with to justify her behaviour toward me was that I ONLY did 70% of the housework. And when the counsellor asked her what her 30% of the housework actually entailed, she said that it was “following after him to make sure he’s done it right”. Oy!
Dr Tara Palmatier says
The 70/30 work division split is classic. “Oy” is right.
Hi, im new to commenting but have been following for months. I am a lesbian who was previously married to a BPD/NPD woman. (thanks Dr. T! this site has been a saving grace in my struggle through divorce). I have to say, these woman treat people exactly the same, weather the partner is male or female. Its scary.
Anyway, just had to note that my BPD/NPD ex and i had more like an 85/15 split on chores. And when confronted about this in couples therapy (which i had to drag her to, even though she is a psychologist who wrote her *dissertation* on couples therapy…), she said:
“well, i do the laundry and she does everything else’. (and she said this as if she was PROUD of it, giggling). like ‘tee hee, im so cute and quirky in how i do absolutely nothing’.
once the therapist tried to hold her accountable (for anything). she stormed out and said ‘i hate her, im never going back’. and then proceeded to leave me for another BPD woman (also a psychologist).
phew! so grateful to be finally out of that situation. crazymaking. and I agree with other posters that I will never get into such an unbalanced situation ever again.
And from the ever popular Despair.com:
Dr Tara Palmatier says
Here’s the image—love Despair.com, btw.
And, yeah, I’m actually laughing at this one.
My ringtone for when my wife calls is from a song by Ministry, where they sing:
Thieves and liars!
Murderers, hypocrites and bastards!
Thus, I always know exactly where I stand when she wants to talk to me, before i even answer the phone.
Yeah – it probably makes it easier if you are already in the right “mental zone” to talk to her. If you are already reminded that she is a lying hypocrite before you answer the call, when she tries to sweet-talk you before the axe in the back, you will be on guard.
her name in my phone is filed under b, last name c. I was thinking she may be needing her name changed to something more acceptable, liar, hypocrite sounds right too. thanks.
LT Greenwald says
I would go with the “Imperial Death March” from Star Wars! It lets you know that Darth Vader is coming…
Not Cluster B unique, but a useful device nonetheless:
I am supposed to feel good about throwing out the gifts she gave to me.
But, I don’t.
All I can see in those gifts now is the love and caring I thought existed and how it is now gone. Doubts about where “it” went, was it there at all, am I to blame for its disappearance? I am so desperate to feel something positive, I seem to get emotional very easily. I am not a bad person. But I may be stuck.
I do not blame myself for putting my foot down and insisting we keep our agreement that I watch the Superbowl game after her granddaughters baptism…which I traveled far to attend. In the beginning, she never would have yelled at me for it but would have agreed to it. In the end, that was not the case. One of many examples. She said I should have been born in the “Middle Ages”, about my old fashioned values. Where did I go so terribly wrong?
I’m going to take a ‘wild guess’ here and ask…did she mind your “old fashioned” values when it came to taking care of her and providing for her?
never again says
Yes, it was all an act. You thought it existed, but it didn’t. At first, she supported me when I occasionally enjoyed a cigar. Heck, she even bought me an expensive, fancy humidor and cigar accessories as gifts. Sometimes she’d sit at the fire and take a puff on a cigar. As a rabid ex-smoker, this was a big thing for her, and I thought I’d found a keeper.
After the “change”, cigars were verbotten. Even her mother asked her “how is HIM having a cigar going to kill YOU?” But any time I even mentioned it, I got the evil eye. Oddly enough, if she didn’t know I was having one, she never noticed the smell afterwards.
I remember the last year we were together, she rode her horse in the provincial championships. For 4 days, I waited on her hand and foot, polishing her gear, grooming/bathing/saddling the horse, mucking stalls, all of it. She literally didn’t have to do a thing except concentrate on competing.
After we got home, the lawn (1 acre) needed cutting, and I needed some “me” time, so I grabbed a cigar and jumped on the tractor. When I came in an hour later, I honestly thought I’d run into the Anti-Christ! The venom was indescribable.
That night was the first time I left her. Of course it was followed with multiple phone calls, apologizing, promising things would be different. So I came home. And not a single thing changed. The next time I left, I never went back.
I still have the humidor and cigar accessories, and still use them. But they’re stuck away, out of normal sight, sad reminders of what I thought was real, but was only an illusion.
Well, it is pretty obvious that we allow this crap to go on. So, just cut these women loose and never get into a relationship with this type of person again.
I will never go back to something like this again.
never again says
Ron, I don’t think it’s so much that we “allowed” it to go on, but we were conditioned to it, groomed for it.
My good buddy is out of a relationship with an alcoholic. He’s in a new, good relationship now, but he still constantly thinks about his alcoholic. He knows I still think about my ex, every day. And he wondered why that is.
My take is that, if they’d treated us like crap on the first date, we’d never see them again. But they didn’t. As Dr. T says, they “love-bombed” us. And the first few months, or years of the relationship was like nothing we’d ever experienced before. I know my wife was SO amazing. She was more than any man would ever expect or could ask for. And you get addicted to that, because it’s just so, so good. You are high on life with this person! Nothing can ever compare to that feeling. I used to drive to work every morning with a silly grin on my face, thinking I was the luckiest guy in the world!
After it goes haywire, you start jonesing, you want that love/life high you had before. You’d do anything to get that back. There is no one in the world who has EVER made you feel that good. But now that the truth comes out, you find out that there’s no one in the world who can make you feel that bad, either. And though you may, very occasionally, catch glimpes of the person you had before, you’re stuck with the real person they are. The real abuser.
I’m out of it, and will never go back. I look forward to the day that I can start a new relationship. But I’m still jonesing. And the biggest obstacle I face is finding another woman who can make me feel that good – and mean it. Every woman I’m with, I’ll compare to her, and it’s going to be very tough to measure up to her. But I also know that kind of love has to exist, in an honest fashion, because it’s the same kind of love I know I give. So if I can give it, I deserve to receive it, and I’ll settle for nothing less.
I penned this awhile ago, and I think it really fits us all. I think most of us hang on way too long after the first “crazy” behavior. My hard-learned wisdom…..”When a woman mistreats you or goes whacko, walk, and never look back. Another will always come along. What may never return-is your self esteem-if you dont”
I think you and I are at a simliar place. Im a year out and Im struggling with what to do with all the things she had bought for me. Theres nothing really other than cards and trinkets of sentimental value, but what do I do with them now?
How long are you out? For probably the first 6-8 months I was an emotional wreck, raw, jittery, panic atacks when the phone would ring or if I saw an e-mail from her. I almost had a breakdown more than once while I was shopping. Some random thing that had meaning for she and I would trigger a memory and my eyes would well up. Then Id start the mental hamsterwheel of questioning if I did the right thing by divorcing her. Id remember all the good times we had and all that and then Id remember all the fighting, I’d spend the next few hours going around in my head all the memories and fights.
For now, Ive put all the cards and trinkets and gifts in my memory box. Its a box ive kept that contains all the photos of old girlfriends and things ive picked up over the years. I cant decide if I want to keep all the sappy, romantic cards she gave me. When we were first together she would very often get me a greeting card and write all kind of syrupy things inside. I must have at least 30+ cards which dont really have any meaning anymore.
One of the last big fights we had, she told me how worthless I am and that im just trash and she cant believe she wasted her time on me. I asked her “Dont you remember who we used to be? Dont you remember all the loving cards you used to give me about how I was your happily ever after? Dont you remember how enamored we were with each other?”
She screamed ‘Well those are just things youre SUPPOSED to say in realtionships. They dont really mean anything.’
So a year out I still struggle with that same question – Where did the love go? Was it my fault? Was it ever there at all? I remember those early days of our relationship I KNOW it was real. At least it was for me. I believed all the sweet things she said to me, its what kept me moving forward in the relationship. How can she not remember who we were? I KNOW those things happened, the romantic evenings, the romantic dates and dinners and the passion. I remember when I was king of the world with her and how she saw me and us. Does she even remember who we used to be? Or has she split me black and will never remember those things, like it was with someone else.
I suppose it doesnt much matter now. Weve been divorced a year as of this weekend. But the question remains, what do I do with all the cards and stuff? Ive considered burning them symbolically, but what if I get nostalgic and want to read through them one day?
yes, when i asked my ex (after i was split black) about the sappy cards and vows of life long love (even a card she gave me on our wedding day that she had saved since she was 14 for the person she would marry). I asked her ‘what about those? what about that, how we were going to grow old together and im the love of your life”?
her response was ‘well, i must have only been looking at the good then, and now all i see is the bad’.
And continued with such lovely remarks as ‘all i feel is hate for you’ ‘youve damaged me’ ‘i should have left you a long time ago’.
mind you, this was only 6 months or so after our wedding, and she had started an affair and all of a sudden she ‘coudlnt even remember our wedding day’
the most she would admit was ‘*maybe* that was a ‘good’ day”. other than that, she said she couldnt remember a happy day in our almost 7 years together.
In my opinion, you should get rid of the cards and memorabilia as soon as possible.
There is no earthly reason to keep them.
I second what Nick says…trash ’em….just negative energy to bring you down….
LT Greenwald says
They represent lies and falsehood. They’re garbage.
Yes, I understand the dynamic of how we become enmeshed. But, now armed with this knowledge and our experience, I think we need to abide by what Chester recommends. First sign of this nonsense and you bolt. Believe it when she shows you who she is.
Get rid of it…it’s negative energy…which is not energy at all, but the lack of it..the suctioning, vaccumming emptiness.
Ron, that reminds me of a hard lesson I learned…When someone reveals who they are (in my case, i.e. “I don’t know how to treat women very well”) in the beginning of the relationship, BELIEVE THEM. Because they will spend the rest of your relationship PROVING it to you.
Yes, I agree. But, the problem in most cases seems to be that these folks are so adept at presenting a false image. But, if you know what to look for, it is there.
Some of the things I have noticed about the disordered folks I know are the following;
Many have poor job histories, not lasting more that a couple years or so on a job. Poor credit is also an indicator. CD problems, like alcohol problems. Poor academic records. Many are overspenders and in debt, chronically. Lots of promiscuity. Materialistic(check for expensive purses, bags etc).
And, many of these women are not self sufficient. They are looking for prey, to provide things like health insurance, or to foot the bill for a downpayment on a house with little or no contribution of their own.
You may also notice how they lack empathy for others via their off the cuff remarks about people.