For those of you men out there who don’t know what to get for the abusive woman in your life for Christmas (sorry I missed Hanukkah this year), here are some gift ideas that she probably won’t appreciate, but may provide you with some mirth. Then again, since it doesn’t matter how much you spend or how much thought you put into selecting her present; you’re going to fail, why not go down in flames with a laugh? *Please be advised: This article contains gallows humor, so if that’s not your cup of tea, please navigate away from the page.
1. The Angry Wife Ringtone. It’s the perfect gift to allow your high-conflict spouse to “reach out and abuse someone;” namely you. You’ll know exactly who’s on the other end of the line when the yelling begins. It’s guaranteed to cause a Pavlovian fear response whenever you hear her dulcet tones. Of course, instead of salivating when you hear the ring, it will probably induce quaking, trembling and/or twitching, nevertheless, it’s still an example of operant conditioning. . . from phonezoo—free of charge!
*Warning: Please turn down the volume on your computer if you’re at work or some other place where it may not be appropriate to play this. (Click on the link to sample.)
2. The Mr Wonderful Talking Doll. Tired of never getting it right? Tired of always saying the wrong thing? Meet your new best friend, the Mr Wonderful Talking Doll. He always knows just what to say to soothe the savage breast.
For example, your wife or girlfriend can give him a squeeze (or throw him across the room) and Mr Wonderful will respond, “Why don’t we go to the mall? Don’t you want some new shoes? You look beautiful in the morning. The ball game isn’t important. I’d rather spend time with you. Let’s talk about our relationship.” And if Mr Wonderful doesn’t get it right? Well, everything’s always your fault anyway, so what’s one more item added to her laundry list of grievances? Available at Amazon.com.
3. The Disney Princess Magic Talking Mirror Set. This enchanted mirror allows your self-appointed princess, queen, empress, czarina, dictator, etc., to gaze at her reflection and be told, “You look too lovely today!” and “You’re the fairest in the land” and “You’re the most beautiful princess in the whole world.”
It’s a must-have for every Narcissist on your gift list this year. Plus, if you buy her a bulk package of batteries from Costco, it will save you some time and energy in the undying adoration department. She’ll be thrilled with her new never-ending narcissistic supply and you’ll be a hero for 5 minutes—until she starts to compare you to the mirror. Why can’t you be more like my Magic Mirror? SIGH. . .
4. The Green Hornet Hot Shot Electric Cattle Prod. Think of the endless hours of fun your wife or girlfriend will have zapping you when you least expect it. If she had any friends, they’d all be “green” with envy. . . “How dare you criticize me!” Zap. “Who do you think you are to question me!” Zap. “Stop being so sensitive.” Zap. “I shouldn’t have to tell you what I want; you should know.” Zap. “I’m bored.” Zap. Dance, monkey!” Zap.
5. A Box of Applause. I was going to write my own snarky description, but I don’t think it’s possible to build upon the sales blurb at Sky Mall:
Craving a little recognition? Someone who gets your jokes? Open the Box of Applause and be greeted with the sounds of cheering and clapping from a very enthusiastic crowd. Close your eyes and imagine yourself accepting that Oscar, Nobel Prize or Best Comedy Emmy.
Yes, this is the real product description. I’m pretty imaginative, but I can’t make up stuff like this.
6. The Husband/Boyfriend GPS Tracking System. Tired of her endless interrogations? Where were you? Who were you with? Who did you talk to? Where did you go after work? You were gone too long to just have been at the store?
Indulge her controlling nature and put her pathological jealousy to rest with this handy dandy GPS tracking system that records everywhere your vehicle has traveled during the day. All she has to do is attach it securely to your vehicle and then pop it into her computer’s USB port (or you can do it for her). Sure, it’s restrictive, but it’s less invasive than a microchip embedded in your molar.
7. Retractable Leash and Collar. It’s the perfect gift to show who’s really in charge. She likes to “yank your chain,” so why not give her the real thing? Why a retractable leash instead of a basic leash? All the better to screw with your head, of course.
She’ll give you just enough lead to let you momentarily experience a sense of freedom. Then with the mere push of a button—click—your feet fly out from underneath you and you’re flat on your back wondering what the heck happened—just like Foghorn Leghorn and George P. Dog (The Barnyard Dawg). Changing the length of the leash at will gives her the added bonus of the element of surprise and the inability to predict when she’ll jerk your chain.
And as long as we’re on a canine theme. . .
8. Your Very Own Dog House. It’s the perfect gift for when you disappoint her, displease her or try to do something nice for her. Yes, you did all the laundry, but you didn’t fold the towels the way she likes. Yes, you took her car to get serviced on your lunch hour, but you didn’t bring it back with a full tank of gas. You were breathing to loud. You looked at her the wrong way. You didn’t respond to her quickly enough. What can you do? Where can you go? Why, your very own dog house!
Many abusive women think there’s no greater punishment than giving you the silent treatment and/or banishing you from their presence. Your very own dog house gives you a place to go until she thinks you’ve suffered enough. *DirectTV hook-up ready.
9. Stigmata Costume. It’s the perfect gift for your favorite martyr/professional victim! Nothing quite says, “See how much I sacrifice for you! I do everything around here. You never lift a finger to help me—Hey! Stop mopping the floor when I’m talking to you! And that’s another thing—you NEVER listen to me. You don’t love me. The only person you think about is yourself!” than some nice oozing stigmata wounds.
High-conflict and/or abusive personality-disordered individuals usually portray themselves as victims—it doesn’t matter that they’re the ones who are usually victimizing others—their reality is the only one that counts. Wearing fake stigmata will save your martyr precious time by allowing her to “shorthand” her victim shtick. Instead of her “me, victim—you, bastard” routine, a simple hand gesture will do. *Wooden cross not included.
The plastic photo pouch allows your wife/girlfriend/ex to personalize her psychotic rage episodes or cold silences with an image of you when you’re not available. She can yell at and/or ignore Pinky whenever it “strikes” her fancy. The best part is that your better half can unleash her demons with zero damage to you! He can also act as a stand-in for when she starts one of her pointless, endless grievance sessions right before bedtime, after you’ve had a hard day at work.
As an added bonus, when you’re finally ready to end your abusive relationship, your ex will have someone on whom she can take out her frustrations. *Air pump sold separately.
And as a bonus gift selection. . .
Happy holidays, everyone!
Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.
Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.