There’s a conversation on the Shrink4Men Forum in which members are discussing a viral email that’s currently being passed around the web with a link to “funny divorce cakes.” I haven’t received this email, so decided to do a quick Google image search and, lo and behold, there’s a divorce cake industry. Who knew?
TheExaminer describes the trend:
Times have certainly changed. While in the ’50s it was women who suffered the most public shame about divorce (merely being designated a divorcee made people whisper), today it’s the women who are more likely to throw divorce parties in celebration of their new freedom, with a sugary divorce cake as part of the festivities.
How exactly is a divorce cake decorated? With a heavy dose of humor. Divorce cake toppers are often spoofs of regular wedding cake toppers, with the traditional bride and groom figures in some not-so-loving poses. Many divorce cake toppers feature a bride standing triumphant as a groom topples down the side of the cake.
Other divorce cakes take a darker approach to humor, even bordering on the gruesome, with black frosting and bloody-looking accents. Some are even decked out with coffins and tombstones. Even with the most macabre of divorce cakes, though, the spirit is decidedly tongue-in-cheek. The humor may be black, but it’s still humor.
I appreciate gallows humor, in fact, my sense of humor borders on the dark. However, I just don’t find most of these funny divorce cakes funny. Would they seem as funny to the women who purchase and eat them if the ex-wife cake figures were the targets of violence? My search results yielded only two images of ex-brides lying in a pool of blood at the bottom cake tier.
What do you think about divorce cakes? The following images are featured on TheExaminer:
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I think the one with the engagement ring in a casket may symbolize why that marriage went wrong, the focus was on the wedding and not the marriage. I have friends and relatives, both men and women who’ve been through high conflict divorces. That feeling of finally feeling free is exhilirating. So I do understand the instinct to celebrate.
And I can even see getting a cake, but it would be more along the lines of the one with the guy being told have some cake and beer. The hot tub one is a bit sexually graphic, IMO, but that may be the tone/sense of humor among that person’s friends. The thing about those 2 is the celebrate the liberation without putting down the other person very much. The hot tub one doesn’t address the ex at all and the have cake/beer one says only that the Guest of Honor was too good for his former spouse. So I could see having those 2 cakes, but I think the rest are just unnecessarily mean spirited.
The way I see it, if one’s finally free of a bad relationship, why not have the cake/party them looking forward to an amazing future instead of dwelling on the bad relatonship? Also, if there are kids involved and they see the cake, how is that going to affect them?
I agree with you, exscapegoat. Many divorces are grueling, painful and exhausting. When they finally come to an end, there is indeed a good reason to celebrate.
The more mean spirited cakes seem to be celebrating harming an ex-spouse rather than celebrating freedom and new opportunities for the future.
There is NO reason to celebrate. Another divorce…another couple out there hooking up with others. Herpes, HPV and worse run rampant. Opportunities for the future? The divorce rate for SECOND marriages hovers around 80%! What a disgusting world! These “cakes” are emblematic of just how far this society has fallen off the beam.
The funny thing I hear and see a lot is people talking about getting out of a bad relationship. The thing is. Who is the, “Bad relationship?” Answer, the people involved. The more they parade their new found freedom, the more, in my book, they never should have made a mockery of marriage in the first place. Oh well. Saying one has left a bad relationship is tantamount to saying, “I am a bad relationship.” So face the truth with yourself people.
These are funny in an editorial cartoon kind of way, where they seem to express a truth, however awful.
What’s perverse is that one has to guess that the cartoon writers and audience in this case aren’t applying critical satire to illustrate what would otherwise be an obvious wrong – instead they seem to be reveling in the outcome.
The nuance in that is so troubling. What is worse? The acceptance of violence against, disparaging of, devaluation of and legal disenfranchisement of men, OR that those who benefit at the expense of this disenfranchisement nod, smile and celebrate these outcomes without shame, irony or even sufficient self-consciousness to wink at one another?
Amen.
I find some quite funny.
Not all divorces involve “crazy bitches” and I can see where some of the”croaked hubby” cakes might offer some emotional relief to the now ex-wife of the guy who ran off with the 20 year old bimbo after thirty years of marriage.
I have a rather “dark” sense of humour myself.
I think that the “correct answer” to the question at the bottom would be that the designers and preparers of some of the cakes might be women with abusive tendencies, themselves.
The cake designers might be kind of oblivious to the peek inside their own worldview that they’re putting on display.
Think about the Dixie Chicks song “Earl”. Would it be as funny if it was Earl and his buddy singing about offing Earl’s wife? OTOH, I did get a good laugh about this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atBg9zLI2bA though I’m honestly surprised there was no uproar about it.
Women do have a macabre sense of humor when there are no men around. I also recall that a judge in Quebec was roundly criticized a few years ago when he suggested, in relation to a spousal murder case where the wife was the perp, that women who are violent tend to be more “vicious” about it.
I remember after I left my NPD, she moaned to her on-line horsey friends that I was “99% wonderful”. The 1% issue was that I wouldn’t accept a sexless marriage. Her friends reaction – “He’s not worth it! Dump the bum!”. Coincidentally, on another thread, a different woman was moaning about her relationship, again saying how wonderful her husband was, but that he had absolutely no interest in sex with her. The crowd’s reaction? – “He’s not worth it! Dump the bum!” (Dr. T, it would be interesting to find out if NPD manifests itself more among horsewomen, than in the general population. Thinking back, I can point to at least half of my ex’s horsey friends who were probably NPD. Want to find a self-centred, spoiled woman who thinks men should spread rose petals at her feet? Go to a horse barn – particularly ones who ride English, not Western. It’s truly like a rodeo – the first 8 seconds are exhilarating. After that, you’re looking to bail out without getting killed!)
Seems it doesn’t matter how wrong one of them is, they stick together, no matter what.
That’s the thing, they are at “war.” Why do we go to war? Because we want to. Best to leave them be with their contempt. Sooner or later, it will find it’s true target, themselves. Sorry, but even that I don’t wish on anyone. Some just come to terms later than others, some never.
Here’s the other thing. Since when does “truth” really matter? Answer; When those who need it, really want to face it with themselves. Oh well.
Re: horsewomen — I Think you’re spot on. I’ve come across many in my time… those that compete in horse sports (or for that matter dog sports) seem to be much more likely to fall into the NPD spectrum. There is the whole “look at me! look at me!” thing with these types, or when things are working so well in competition or other aspects of their lives, I’ve seen them start up distortion campaigns in which they can shift all accountability and responsibility their boyfriends, husbands, horse, dog or whatever while still maintaining themselves as the center of the universe.
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_do_narcissists_treat_animals_and_pets
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUhE8oulQjk
As one person commented at the link above:
“Narcissists are like horses. You can lead them to water but they’ll kick you in the teeth if it’s not the right temperature.”
I agree on the horsewomen comment. My sister is NPD and she rides all the time with a bunch of these types.
On the cakes, it is just another example of how society accepts violence against men.
And, with the results we often get in family court, the symbolic offing of the man is, accurate.
I do think it’s sad that every cake here that depicts violence is violence against men. Why is that so socially acceptable in our society. The one with the ring in the casket is not so bad. Both my husband and I have considered purchasing ring caskets for our bands from our former marriage. It’s not that we wish our exes to die, but more to commemorate the death of an unhealthy relationship for all involved. The one with the guy and the beer is consoling and an attempt to comfort.
As far as the horse riding women, I don’t think it’s limited to them. I’ve seen it in the general population. The girls tell you “he’s not worth it, dump him” either way. My question is why are these women complaining to their friends about their spouses anyway? Why would you want to tear down the person you supposedly love to your friends? If you are having relationship problems, that’s what a therapist is for – not your NPD friends that wouldn’t know what a healthy relationship was if it hit them upside the head.
It is simple. They are all fine examples of disturbingly poor taste.
I realize the cake with the man camping out and the woman sitting outside her picture perfect suburban home is supposed to imply that she got everything and he’s now destitute and homeless, but I see it like this: he finally gets to go camping!
Also, nice that the wedding industry has finally figured out how to make money at the end of a marriage as well…
I spent my childhood riding English style and I agree there are a lot of narcissists who ride… I think it’s because it’s a very expensive sport and some people who are kind of elitists. I remember running into quite a few snobs, male and female, when I was riding a lot. I miss having a horse, though.
I do wonder what peoples’ reactions would be if one of those cakes depicted a groom holding his ex wife’s severed head, or standing on top of the cake while his ex’s battered, bloody body lay at the bottom. Somehow, I doubt that would go over as well. Seems to me what’s good enough for the goose should be good enough for the gander… And I agree the more violent ones are in very bad taste.
While suffering from depression and anxiety in the months after I left my BPD wife, seeing images of these types of cakes sent me into a panic attack. I know that my ex-wife will have a party with all our former mutual friends (now her current friends) where they drink heavily and share a cake like this. I will be that man in a pool of blood. My children (she has sole custody, I get a few visits each year) may even see this cake.
It is a testament to how much I have recovered that I can post this without Xanax. I cannot post it without sadness for my children and the large number of people who never knew what happened, only that I was gone.
Wow. Apparently I’ve been sheltered and didn’t know divorce cakes existed but the bad taste in some of these is appalling. Frankly, (I’m female) I think the men’s cakes are funnier and in much better taste overall … even the hot tub one. Just because a relationship has ended doesn’t mean that malicious afterthought is needed too. I think I’d be offended if someone got me most of the “female” divorce cakes – would they really think I was so awful?
I agree – I am female as well. These cakes are tasteless — and while I don’t want to be married to my ex (who acts like a lot of the women described on this site), I don’t wish him dead, homeless or other harm. I would be ashamed to have had one of these. My husband’s constant battle with his ex tells me that not all women are normal, however.
I have to agree that the cakes for the women are all in bad taste. When I got divorced I got my documents in the mail, and that was it. What I can’t understand is why the woman has to make it a celebratory event. We don’t make humorous cakes for funerals, so why celebrate the death of a marriage?
We don’t know the story behind the women that these cakes are for, so we don’t know if he really was a bastard or if she’s a woman like the ones all of us here encountered, and she’s just good at playing victim? Just as an example, I left my ex-wife, and I am listed as the complainant on the divorce, but if you listen to her side of the story she left me and I was an awful husband. I’m not going to sit here straight-faced and tell you that I was the perfect husband.
Going back to the way I celebrated my divorce of getting my paperwork in the mail and putting them away, my family would’ve loved to throw me a party but they all lived out of state. My mom would watch Maury on TV when he did the paternity test episodes and say “I always expect to see your ex-wife on here”. Thanks, mom, but that’s an image I really didn’t want in my head.
I don’t think I am the divorce cake type. Maybe that’s healing for others, but not me. Seems kind of immature to me.