While listening to Dr. Tara’s radio show and corresponding chat session last night, I noticed a recurring theme from many of the men in the chat room.
“I want a woman who likes me for me.” As in, “Not for my money.”
This seems fairly simplistic to me.
I can spot a Gold Digger from a mile away. But I can also see how, from a man’s perspective, it could be difficult to discern, especially since society dictates that the man is not a man unless he picks up the tab. As a woman who is not a Gold Digger, I confess that back when I was dating, I would be hesitant to grab the dinner bill for fear of stepping on any masculine toes. Or even worse, coming across as a feminist.
Even now, as a married woman who shares a bank account with my husband, he always grabs the bill when it comes across the table. Social mores persist and all that.
Having been in the presence of Gold Diggers on the prowl, I can share with you an insider’s firsthand account of exactly what it is that they look for in a victim. Consider this a “tell-all” of sorts.
1. Watch your watches (and your wallets). “Oh. Mah. Gawd! Did you see that watch?!!!!”
Rolexes are nice and I get that at an executive level, you kinda need them as part of some unwritten dress code in order for your peers to take you seriously. But know this – watches are the very first thing that a Gold Digger looks for in a victim. Rolexes are to Gold Diggers, what blood in the water is to a shark. TAG’s are, as well, to the early twenty-something’s who haven’t honed their skills yet.
If you find a woman ogling your watch, or commenting on it, BEWARE. If a woman says to you, “Nice Presidential. What’d that run you? About $30 grand?” First, grab your back pocket to make sure your wallet is still there, and then, Run! Forest, Run!
Real Women (and when I say “Real Women,” I am referring to the non-Gold Digger types who like you for you, hereafter referred to as “Real Women”) don’t give a shit about watches. If you want to repel the Gold Diggers, save your Rolex for the business meetings and put on your G-Shock when dating.
2. Cars that go VROOM. “Nice car. Wanna ride me?”
The next thing Gold Diggers look for in their superficial, evidentiary phase of targeting their prey, is the kind of car you drive. The more phallic shaped the car you drive, the bigger target you are. To the Gold Digger, nothing says, “I need a Trophy wife to go along with my Trophy car,” like an expensive, two-seater sports car. And if it’s European, the Gold Digger will have to restrain herself from dry humping the fender.
I know. You like driving fast in a car that hugs the corners and can go a quarter mile in eight seconds. We all do (natch). And more importantly, you worked hard for your money and you should be able to drive a car that you enjoy and makes you happy.
That’s all fine and dandy, but know this. Real women will think you have a complex for driving a car like that. They will think you are vain, and that you are a playah who is better suited for those Gold Digger types. I know, it’s not fair and it’s not always true. But more often than not, that’s how Real Women think.
There is a reason why there are so few women drivers in auto racing. Cars and the joy of driving are, by and large, a “guy thing,” despite what Gold Diggers would have you believe.
And you know what’s even more ironic? As soon as the Gold Digger gives birth to your Hostages, she’s going to scream at you and call you a selfish Bastard for having an expensive two-seater car and she’s going to insist that you trade that penis car in for a minivan.
Now, before you go and preemptively trade your Porsche in for a Honda Pilot, stop. I’m not suggesting you do that. You really do deserve to drive a vehicle that you enjoy and have worked hard for. All I am suggesting, is that if a woman is “into” your car, then she is not “into” you, for you. Think about it.
3. You got have a J-O-B if you wanna be with me. “Show me the money!!!!”
Eventually, the Gold Digger will get to the crux of her cause. How much are you “worth?”
Of course, this is exclusive of self-worth, your sense of humor, your love of dogs and children, or even your sexual prowess. None of that matters to the Gold Digger. The ONLY thing that matters to the Gold Digger, is how much money and goods she can squeeze out of you from the dating, marriage, and divorce/alimony and child support phases.
While it is fair to say that all of us would enjoy sharing some financial stability and ease of living with our mates, the Gold Digger views you and your bank account synonymously. Once the Gold Digger has an “in” to your wallet, all of the earlier superficial niceness will lend way to overt greed and extortion.
Now that you know how to identify a Gold Digger, you might be asking yourself, “How do I identify a Real Woman?”
That’s easy. Beyond avoiding the overt materialism mentioned above, there are several indicators to look for in identifying a Real Woman:
1. She’s self-sufficient. A Real Woman can support herself. She has her shit together and is not looking for someone to take care of her. A Real Woman has a job or sustainable source of income and does not live beyond her own means.
2. She doesn’t play Divorce Lotto. A Real Woman does not expect her ex-husband to supplement her lifestyle beyond what they are legally required to do. This should be a HUGE red flag if you are dating a divorced woman.
In divorce, EVERYONE in the nuclear family suffers. Many of you have been through a divorce. And you know that as non-custodial father, your lifestyle has had to be down-graded to pay child support and alimony. Likewise, the custodial parent should expect to cut back on some luxuries, as well.
A Gold Digger believes she is ENTITLED to the same lifestyle that she had pre-divorce is unrealistic and has entitlement issues. A Real Woman makes adjustments and lives within her new means, post-divorce.
3. She appreciates the simple joys in life. A Real Woman does not require lavish gifts in order to be happy in a relationship. Nor does a Real Woman withhold sex or affections in exchange for money.
Entering the dating scene can be really frightening if your last relationship was with a high-conflict and/or abusive personality disordered individual Gold Digger. But rest assured, Real Women are out there. You just have to modify your outlook.
Thanks, Micksbabe, for another sterling article. The only caveat I have to add is that when many men met their wives or ex-wives, they had jobs and seemed self-sufficient. It was only after the exchange of vows and/or popping out a kid that the mask came off and entitlement kicked in. It’s a jungle out there! Thanks again, MB! – Dr T
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Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.